“Pain” by The War on Drugs

I know it’s hard looking in
Knowing that tomorrow you’ll be back again
Hang your head and let me in, I’m waiting
So long

I’ve been pulling on a wire, but it just won’t break
I’ve been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound
I resist what I cannot change
And I want to find what can’t be found

The Truth

I’ve been suffering from SEVERE anxiety and depression for months–and it’s grown  much worse during the last 2+ weeks.

At first the anxiety was far worse than the depression (Covid-19 constant panic), but now it’s the depression that’s very bad, due to some terrible family drama that happened. I only have the ability to lie in bed, cry, and I’m barely eating. I need to make myself go to the ER today, though, because I’ve been having stomach pain and diarrhea and nausea for weeks (months?). These symptoms have also gotten a lot worse during the last couple of weeks since a traumatizing fight with my sister (and only sibling). I’m scared to go to the ER, though, because of the risk of catching Covid-19 there.

So anyway, that’s the brief version; there are lots of details, of course. Much of the sister fight and fighting with my mother have to do with my RA and pain not being believed/validated/truly acknowledged.

It’s hard when you’re hurting so much already to feel like a burden to those you love so much.

Covid-19 Results


Whew, right? I was somewhat relieved but I was still anxious about possibly having Covid-19 because the paperwork I received after the test said that even if you get a “Negative” you can still actually be positive, and that you need to stay careful for another week or so. I had also heard and read things about “false negatives” and people needing to be tested more than once–so I wasn’t that relieved, actually.

So despite apparently annoying everyone, I continued to try to be extra-safe (wearing a mask inside, wiping down surfaces, sticking to 1-2 rooms, etc.). This is a very small house and I’ve been terrified of endangering the other two high-risk people who live here.

Anyway, more time has gone by and I haven’t developed any symptoms, nor have the people I live with. I think I’m OK and not contagious now? If I were an asymptomatic person, that is. It’s all very confusing and the information seems to be changing daily. I know there’s the 14-days “thing,” but that doesn’t really answer my asymptomatic/carrier questions.

Anyway, WHOOO!! I THINK I’m in the clear.

I think.

I think?

RA in the Time of Covid-19

I know I haven’t posted anything about the current COVID-19 pandemic, but I suppose it’s because I’ve been trying hard to control my anxiety, which seems to always be at some level of panicky these days. Being a high-risk and immunocompromised person right now is making my “normal” anxiety and paranoia 100 times worse. So, basically, I’ve just been trying to distract myself with different things: books, TV, movies, cleaning, laundry, junk food, social media, dumb Internet stuff. It’s not working that great, honestly.

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The Wrist


I got a very painful cortisone injection in my right wrist this morning when I met with the hand specialist/surgeon for the first time. She also recommended that I have surgery–a partial joint fusion. YIKES.

I don’t want surgery. But I also don’t want this debilitating level of pain anymore.

So, I’m supposed to see if the cortisone helps at all (it can take a week to start working!) and then see the doctor again in six weeks. I’m wondering if I should bother trying to get a second opinion somewhere else? Hmm.