Days of Future Passed

“Language gives us the power to change ourselves and others by communicating our experiences, helping us to define what we know, and finding a common sense of meaning.”Bessel van der Kolk

During the last two days I’m proud to say that I’ve somehow managed to drag myself outside and sit on the grass reading a book again. It’s been SO LONG! And honestly, it feels great. I must make myself do a bit of this each day, if possible.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

“When I was young I didn’t understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird.” ―Audrey Niffenegger

Immunocompromised & Covid-19 Variants

WHY are we immunocompromised/immunosuppressed patients not being vaccinated ASAP?! I read a similar article about this from NPR last month: “Extraordinary Patient Offers Surprising Clues to Origins of Coronavirus Variants”

“We should give the best shot we can, both literally and figuratively, to protect this population” –Dr. Adam Lauring, a virologist and infectious disease physician at the University of Michigan

The Truth

I’ve been suffering from SEVERE anxiety and depression for months–and it’s grown  much worse during the last 2+ weeks.

At first the anxiety was far worse than the depression (Covid-19 constant panic), but now it’s the depression that’s very bad, due to some terrible family drama that happened. I only have the ability to lie in bed, cry, and I’m barely eating. I need to make myself go to the ER today, though, because I’ve been having stomach pain and diarrhea and nausea for weeks (months?). These symptoms have also gotten a lot worse during the last couple of weeks since a traumatizing fight with my sister (and only sibling). I’m scared to go to the ER, though, because of the risk of catching Covid-19 there.

So anyway, that’s the brief version; there are lots of details, of course. Much of the sister fight and fighting with my mother have to do with my RA and pain not being believed/validated/truly acknowledged.

It’s hard when you’re hurting so much already to feel like a burden to those you love so much.

Covid-19 Results


Whew, right? I was somewhat relieved but I was still anxious about possibly having Covid-19 because the paperwork I received after the test said that even if you get a “Negative” you can still actually be positive, and that you need to stay careful for another week or so. I had also heard and read things about “false negatives” and people needing to be tested more than once–so I wasn’t that relieved, actually.

So despite apparently annoying everyone, I continued to try to be extra-safe (wearing a mask inside, wiping down surfaces, sticking to 1-2 rooms, etc.). This is a very small house and I’ve been terrified of endangering the other two high-risk people who live here.

Anyway, more time has gone by and I haven’t developed any symptoms, nor have the people I live with. I think I’m OK and not contagious now? If I were an asymptomatic person, that is. It’s all very confusing and the information seems to be changing daily. I know there’s the 14-days “thing,” but that doesn’t really answer my asymptomatic/carrier questions.

Anyway, WHOOO!! I THINK I’m in the clear.

I think.

I think?