“Language gives us the power to change ourselves and others by communicating our experiences, helping us to define what we know, and finding a common sense of meaning.” —Bessel van der Kolk
During the last two days I’m proud to say that I’ve somehow managed to drag myself outside and sit on the grass reading a book again. It’s been SO LONG! And honestly, it feels great. I must make myself do a bit of this each day, if possible.
“When I was young I didn’t understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird.” ―Audrey Niffenegger
I’ve been suffering from SEVERE anxiety and depression for months–and it’s grown much worse during the last 2+ weeks.
At first the anxiety was far worse than the depression (Covid-19 constant panic), but now it’s the depression that’s very bad, due to some terrible family drama that happened. I only have the ability to lie in bed, cry, and I’m barely eating. I need to make myself go to the ER today, though, because I’ve been having stomach pain and diarrhea and nausea for weeks (months?). These symptoms have also gotten a lot worse during the last couple of weeks since a traumatizing fight with my sister (and only sibling). I’m scared to go to the ER, though, because of the risk of catching Covid-19 there.
So anyway, that’s the brief version; there are lots of details, of course. Much of the sister fight and fighting with my mother have to do with my RA and pain not being believed/validated/truly acknowledged.
It’s hard when you’re hurting so much already to feel like a burden to those you love so much.
Whew, right? I was somewhat relieved but I was still anxious about possibly having Covid-19 because the paperwork I received after the test said that even if you get a “Negative” you can still actually be positive, and that you need to stay careful for another week or so. I had also heard and read things about “false negatives” and people needing to be tested more than once–so I wasn’t that relieved, actually.
So despite apparently annoying everyone, I continued to try to be extra-safe (wearing a mask inside, wiping down surfaces, sticking to 1-2 rooms, etc.). This is a very small house and I’ve been terrified of endangering the other two high-risk people who live here.
Anyway, more time has gone by and I haven’t developed any symptoms, nor have the people I live with. I think I’m OK and not contagious now? If I were an asymptomatic person, that is. It’s all very confusing and the information seems to be changing daily. I know there’s the 14-days “thing,” but that doesn’t really answer my asymptomatic/carrier questions.