I’m so angry and frustrated I could scream. I probably shouldn’t be writing about this but I doubt my father will ever read this post (or this blog), so who cares, I guess. As I wrote in a previous post, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer this spring (some higher grade cancer cells were found during the biopsy), which has been a very stressful and frightening thing to deal with. Even worse, my dad has been acting like an idiot about it. He put off making a decision whether to have radiation treatment or the prostate totally removed with surgery. We, my family, all wanted him to opt for the surgery because of the risks radiation treatment has, and BECAUSE IT’S CANCER. Get it OUT of your body! I really don’t understand what is wrong with him. He’s been acting like it’s no big deal he has cancer, and it’s been driving my mother and my sister (and me) absolutely nuts. He must be in denial. I understand that surgery is a big deal and a scary thing, but the other choice, having cancer spread and KILL YOU with a MISERABLE DEATH is not a better option. He is also a bitterly stubborn person and is very sensitive whenever he gets the slightest feeling that someone is trying to tell him what to do. He will then be immature and do the complete opposite. So, trying to sit down and talk to him seriously about this stuff hasn’t been very easy or successful. We’ve basically been silenced, tip-toeing around the issue, while growing more and more anxious and upset about it.
Anyway, I found out today from my sister that Dad finally scheduled his surgery but of course he can’t get in right away. His surgery date isn’t until the end of August. He’s been screwing around all spring and summer putting off making a decision about which treatment to have, and then once he decided on the surgery, making the surgery appointment. Also causing stress in my family is that my sister is due to give birth to twins in early October. But as she gets closer and closer to her due date, those twins could arrive at any time. And she is going to need a lot of help from all of us – me, Mom, and DAD. How can we help her while he is recovering from surgery? This is really bad timing, but it didn’t have to be. If he would have made the appointment and had the surgery already we wouldn’t be worrying about this. Worrying about the cancer having more time to spread. Worrying about my sister getting dangerously close to bed rest and giving birth. My poor mother is about to have a nervous breakdown right now. And my dad? He doesn’t care, apparently. So today I have been making phone calls to the surgery scheduling department and his urologist’s nurse. I feel guilty and sneaky making these phone calls behind my dad’s back and he would kill me if he found out I’m meddling in his health business. But we desperately need to move this surgery date up on the calendar. Although after speaking with the scheduler just now, I fear it’s too late, unless another patient cancels. I’m so mad. I can barely take care of managing my own health; I don’t have the energy to deal with my dad’s medical issues when he is perfectly capable of doing it himself. But he’s always been very nonchalant when it comes to his health. I am the total opposite. As soon as I don’t feel well I’m on the phone with the doctor’s office, making appointments, playing phone tag, until I’m sure that everything’s okay. Good God, if I were diagnosed with cancer I’d be making an appointment for surgery the next day. How he just doesn’t give a crap is unbelievable. Is this a preview of what’s to come as he ages and will need more medical care? So far in all of his 66 years he’s been lucky to not have hardly any health problems. Things can’t stay that way forever. But he’s still too young to be acting like an immature, senile, self-centered old man.
In addition to being worried about my dad, another part of this that really bugs me is that I feel so frustrated when I see other people refuse to take responsibility for their health. I work incredibly hard at trying to manage my own (which most people don’t realize). And trying to make myself be as close to a normal, healthy person as possible — yet all the while feeling great frustration, loss, anger and sadness at the realization that my disease will never go away and I can’t ever be totally “normal” or healthy. People who don’t even have a chronic illness to deal with, yet still don’t care about taking care of themselves really irritate and disgust me. It’s like a big slap in the face to those of us who are working hard to be healthy.
Maybe this post sounds harsh, and I know I’m stereotyping all over the place here. But needless to say, I am just so upset right now.