May 27, 2011
Another rainy day here. Rain on the outside, tears on the inside. Sometimes. Relationships are hard for everyone, I know, but having a chronic illness makes them even more of a challenge, I think. You’re stressed out, you’re exhausted, you’re in pain, you’re moody and anxious and feeling good one minute and despairing the next. It’s not easy for me to deal with myself, so how can I hope that someone else will want to deal with me? Maybe there are those rare kind people out there who see you for the person you really are, disease or no disease. And accept all of your terrible faults and annoyances, your pain, ugliness and beauty and everything. I really hope they exist, somewhere.
I have a somewhat extensive history of relationships going sour. But I suppose this is normal for anybody who keeps trying to connect and relate to people. Often times even when I’m the one who has been hurt and wronged, the bridge gets burned, yet I still feel the sadness of the loss. I hate fighting with people. And I really hate having to lose people I care about. But again, I suspect that this is a pretty universal feeling unless you are a frigid cold-hearted person and don’t care. Then it’s easy, I assume. Sometimes I wish I could be that way.
Good news – I have recently made up and reconnected with one of those friends. I’m trying out this forgiveness thing, because I know that in the end it’s better for all involved. I’m really grateful for our recent reunion. I’m also incredibly grateful and appreciative for the support of new friends. Cutting “bad” people out of my life is usually very hard for me to do because I don’t want to lose the good things about them, I suppose. And I probably give people too many chances and therefore end up getting screwed over a lot. I know I need to step back and really evaluate my relationships and which ones truly matter. It’s a balancing act. Who do you need or who do you just simply want? And who needs you? I try to keep reminding myself to appreciate and love the people in my life who genuinely do care and continue to support me amidst all of the messes I get myself into. I just wish people would be a little bit kinder to each other. Myself included.
“Live or die, but don’t poison everything” – Anne Sexton